“Can a hypnotist cure me from eating too many almonds except for on the weekends?” I’d focus on the impulsive one-night stands.

“I can’t believe I’m 24 and I haven’t even had my test-marriage yet!” Calm down, your rehearsal soul mate is out there somewhere.

“I think it’s ‘roses are red, violets are blue, things…I see…are…I know…is true.’ Just type that.” What the hell was THAT?

So I see you’ve taken “Hump Day” literally. Shall I send a bill for my broken picture frame to you or him? Personally I blame him.

In the laundry room- GAM: Did you put my underwear in the dryer? ME: No. GAM: Are you sure? ME: I think I’d remember. GAM: You’re weird.