“He’s going on a family vacation to Amazon? To like the headquarters or something?” More likely than that measly rainforest.

“What should I Google if I wanna figure out how to invent diet coke without any bubblies?” Maybe try “there’s no hope for me”?

“Nancy Grace’s areola is so much bigger than mine! That’s never how I imagined it.” This is something you think about day-to-day?

“Oh my God, the power just went out! THE POWER JUST WENT OUT! Turn on the lights, I can’t see!” You’re way funnier in the dark.

“I’ve had a horrible day and now I gotta learn this new Facebook timeline?! Life is out to get me!” Apparently so is the internet.