(reading her Facebook wall) “Who is this Rip Lewis everyone’s talking about?” I’m sorry but I think your friend Lewis died.

“This may sound stupid.” Uh oh. “But have you ever realized that you can’t become a grandma without having kids?” I need to move.

“News has become so pathetic. The only story they have is about some lame tea party.” Different kind of tea– No, not Earl Grey.

(singing Aladdin) “I can show you my tits. Shining, shimmering, hard nipples.” You didn’t even have boobs when Aladdin came out!

“The psychic said I might have a stalker in my life!” I much prefer “a friend who always listens,” thank you very much.