“He’s taking me out to some restaurant in Koreatown. Oh great, I hate sushi!” Maybe they can whip you up some Korean food.

“I was away from my phone 5 whole minutes and no missed calls or texts!” Ahh! Gather the women and children and run for the hills!

“Screw you, Claire. The only reason you have more Facebook friends is because you accept everyone.” Subtext: You’re a whore.

“J.Lo and Marc Anthony call it splitsville!? What hope do the rest of us have!?” The exact same as when they were together.

“Everyone’s been honking and staring at me funny. Maybe I’m a part of a conspiracy!?” Ya, no way it’s cause you’re a shitty driver.