“I like him but he goes to University of Phoenix. No way am I moving to Arizona!” I’m just happy you know Phoenix is in Arizona.

“Will you take a selfie of my side boob for my Instagram?” I wish it was that you were talking to yourself.

“My weather app says it’s 14 degrees outside! That’s like colder than Antarctica!” I think you drunk switched it to celsius again.

“What are the chances of me becoming the next Pope of England?” Honestly? Pretty good.

“Wait, so all presidents we’ve had were born on the same day!?” Well, we have yet to see Obama’s birth certificate…