“I hate St. Paddy’s Day cause I look fat in green, although getting pinched secretly turns me on.” I live under you, it’s no secret.

“I’m sick of job hunting. All I really wanna be in life is one of Charlie Sheen’s Goddesses.” You definitely fit the criteria.

“It kinda makes me sad that I can never be a teen mom, like that’s not even an option anymore.” Aww, all grown up.

“Wait, did the tsunami cause time to move ahead!?” Nope, daylight savings did.

“He slammed the brakes and put his arm out to ‘protect’ me. So obvi he wanted to feel the girls.” Saving lives one boob at a time.