“(whimpering) Mom, I wanna come home–oh wait, the sun just came out, never mind.” You should hang out with my 6 month old niece.

“So, I gave him two options, breakfast in bed or a blow job. Guess what he picked?” Well I didn’t smell burnt toast, so…

“Umm, so you’re saying I ‘shouldn’t’ borrow your jeans…what’s THAT supposed to mean?” It means you’re not as anorexic as her.

I pray that imitating Colin Firth in The King’s Speech is just a temporary thing…”F-F-F-Fanco is s-s-so h-h-hot.”

“The cleaning lady canceled! Okay, go to Youtube and look for a video on how to use a washing machine.” Remember LOTS of bleach.