“Wait, when it’s a hardcover it’s a novel and when it’s floppy it’s just a book?” All you need to know is it’s available on tape.

“I can’t believe I checked out a homeless guy and even thought about giving him a dollar!” The cup I was holding HAD COFFEE IN IT!

“Shit fucks! I pocket dialed my gyno while I was hooking up with Ryan!” Look on the bright side, I bet he’ll see you tomorrow now.

“I know this might sound stupid..” Not again, please no– “But does air have any fat calories in it?” 9-1-1.

This morning we number two’d at the same time. I believe you used toilet paper once, versus my three times…showoff.