(phone) “Mom, if I come home for Thanksgiving I want calorie signs beside each dish.” That was all the Native Americans wanted too.

“Oh my God, Adam Levine is beyond a hottie! He totally moves like Jagger…Wait, who is Jagger?” Ask your mom.

“Obviously I’m going to be Team Edward tonight, so maybe I’ll be Team Ashton right now.” Do I have to be Team Rumer Willis again?

“I don’t get it, why do all these people want to live on Wall Street? Soho is such a better area.” You’re right. Occupy Soho!

“Screw you, Cathy! Siri is a better friend than you’ll ever be!” Wait, tell her you know the weather in Dayton, Ohio tomorrow!