“Where’s Tony Romo and Tom Brady? Aren’t we watching football, what is this shit?!” Roethlisberger’s beard doesn’t do it for you?

“Rachel Zoe needs to find these teams better outfits. This yellow’s seriously offensive.” I bet the Steelers call her at halftime.

“Egypt is nowhere near Hawaii, right? Oh thank God, cause I really wanna go there this year…to Hawaii.” Ya, we got it.

I know you’re going crazy but stop Googling “someone who kills birds, Los Angeles.” Try replacing the battery in your smoke alarm.

“I knew Kevin was in love with me when he said it was ok to pop his back zits.” Did I just hear the opening to your wedding vows?