“He wanted to know the last book I’ve read and all I could think of was Goodnight Moon.” And didn’t your mom read that to you?

“Claire, admit it, your gaydar’s totally off. His status update says, ‘Scissor Sisters opening for Lady Gaga!'” Really?! Hell yeah!

(regarding her loud fart) “Exactly why I’ll never move in with a guy. Who wants to give THAT up?” I guess I’m the lucky one then.

“Hey Claire, what day is it?” Oh no, please don’t sing–“It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.” It’s Thursday!

“Oh God, I must’ve drunk Facebook posted again! This time about a new weight-loss product.” It’s time to change your password.