“Oh my God, one of my wheel-tire thingys is flat! What the hell should I do, get a new car?” Seems like your only option.

This weekend I thought you realized you’re “anal” when it comes to “small stuff.” Boy, did I misunderstand that one.

“I just realized it’s March! You know what that means…” March Madness tournament? “Girl scout cookie diet month!” Oh…right.

“(whimpering) Mom, I wanna come home–oh wait, the sun just came out, never mind.” You should hang out with my 6 month old niece.

“So, I gave him two options, breakfast in bed or a blow job. Guess what he picked?” Well I didn’t smell burnt toast, so…