“Hey POTUS, whoever the hell you are, your road block made me late for my eyebrow waxing!” Some people think they’re so important.

You’re starting to rub off on me, last night I peed sitting down. I wiped my butt just to make myself feel better.

“Yes, a kilogram is a type of drug. Why, do you know where to score some?” Make sure it’s weighed properly!

I “bumped” into your housekeeper in the laundry room and through very little English, negotiated a “informacion alliance pact.”

“You know the worst part about not having a job?” Not making your own income? “Being the only one getting drunk during the week.”