“I’m so jealous, my dad’s getting hip replacement surgery today. I want smaller fake hips!” Well, Santa’s making his list…

“Isn’t it weird that we use the same word for the devil as we do for the most fab fabric?” Are you talking about Satan and satin?

“Claire! I just met this Asian guy who had a British accent! How is that even possible?” Let me ask my white South African friend.

(phone) “Mom, I’m not saying you did this on purpose, but are you aware that my car has no seat heaters?!” Classic bad parenting.

“I’m so sad. I couldn’t live a day without my iPhone. Rest in peace Bill Gates.” Let me lend a hand, rest in peace Steve Jobs.