“I wish I knew a veteran so I could get some of these great deals at Nordstroms.” Life. Liberty. Discounted pillow shams.

“They can’t put a gas station just anywhere. It has to be above a gas hot springs.” Good thing they flow on every busy corner.

“What do you mean I needed to register to vote? Can’t I just text it in?” I knew it was too good to be true.

“Is it bad that I’m gonna vote for Obama mostly so I can see Michelle looking happy in a great dress?” Good enough for me!

“I think the people who work at Starbucks are racist. They keep yelling out for the ‘tall black guy!'” Black Eye. It’s a drink.